It may sound very strange, but it is quite recently I realized my breast size is on the larger side of the scale. I think it has to do with that the connection to my body has been cut off for a long time in my life. Of course I have been aware of the body, but it has been a more of a project, something to keep healthy, dislike or maybe most of the time – shut off and have nothing to do with at all.

That certainly was true for my sexuality for a long time. I want to be clear on that I don’t blame my ex-husband for those years of, well nowadays it seems to be something to strive for, so I’ll use an explanatory word – celibacy. Because it takes two to tango and I turned away from him too.

But what happened was that the life force – the libido, took other paths. I poured the energy into learning a lot, having plans, striving for outer things. And that is just fine. But now, maybe partly as an effect of actually having accomplished things, I am doing what the elephants do when they are to die – I wander home. To my body.

No I am not dying physically (well we all constantly are, but I can’t see the immediate end right now), but maybe mentally. I am shedding off a lot of ego. A lot of misconceptions of what life is all about.

And the body and very much the sexuality has been the vehicle. So having dived down into the murkiest parts of myself the passed year has been both exciting and terrifying. These new lusts. These immoral drives. I am standing with one foot in the old world and tiptoeing into a new one – and I am just waiting for something to shove me down the pithole, in between.

But I woke up today and realized that nothing will push me. Nothing can tip the balance. It’s like life gives you the “go-to-jail-card” sometimes. So you will have to stop and reflect. Do a 360 degrees overview of the whole situation. And hold it. Just there. Before it’s time to roll the dice, yet again.

But while in jail, you stay in jail for as long as it takes.